How much of me am I willing to reveal? How much do you want me to?

it's been a week.... and just my mood can't keep from fluctuating.... =(

Random Thoughts: Ice Queen

At least my mood's improved.
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Nine degrees in Baguio?!! Whoah! Now I'm actually thinking if I'm brave enough to push through with the Panagbenga plan with the Citibank peeps. Nyarrr....
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Ice queen colleagues in a freezer-like environment? Hmm... Hopefully not. Hopefully, it's just the effect of drinking dalandan juice (and actually replacing water) for three days straight. But really, the 7-Up (and I thought it was a myth) alternative therapy, albeit a soda, indeed helped!
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Was it really that bad? Still M.I.A.... or just invisible? :(

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I wonder how I can prolong this M.I.A. status. Anyhoo, I need the space.

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Can't wait to start that makeover mission with....ehehehe.

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Should I take it as a positive possibility enough to be patient? Hehe.

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How nice girl? =) Nice enough to look nice? Hehe.

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Amf. Pardon the term but just can't help it.... Feelingero.

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What if I go back to the layered cut again? Di makatiis. Tsk. Tsk.

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Hottie?!!! Ahaha. *apir* pare ko! =p

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I still feel uncomfortable seeing dad's arms around Tita Rose. But I was nevertheless glad to have her nearby...

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Officially an employee! Haha. Babaw. LOL. Never actually thought having finally a fingerprint scan and an employee number to be so cool. Or maybe this is just the effect of knowing that some Citibank colleagues, of whose stay's definitely longer than me, still have not been issued their respective IDs yet. Speaking of, I have to look REALLY nice tomorrow for my mug shot. Hehe.
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Let's see, free drinks (from milo to coffee to dalandan juice to iced tea), free PC games and free internet access (with Friendster! yay! but boo without YM...but there's still Meebo..haha), what more could a "responsible" employee ask from an employer. Haha.
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Waaaah! Dad's new desktop PC (with the LCD monitor) is so much better than ours in the office!!!
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I miss Citibank. :( They were so much nice to me earlier.
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Now I know that I truly did learn something from the five years I was in customer service. I just hope I could efficiently share that knowledge (and prolong the patience...eek) to my trainees the moment I finally start conducting my own LPET. :)
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I better behave tomorrow. Haha.
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Let's see what I'll do tomorrow...finish Salubris' content (in the office haha), process my clearance (so I can get my back pay haha), fix office docs and, oh yeah, bring a jacket and make that an extra thick one :)

Confessions on a dance floor 2

Joy's version!

Totally had me laughing after 72 hours! Haha.

The Promise

Nice rendition! <----- Truly great to have found on YouTube who made a really soothing rendition of Martin Nievera's "The Promise", my favorite, ehehehe, mushy song.

The choir rendition is great too!

Say goodbye
When I can barely say goodnight
If I can hardly take my eyes from yours
How far can I go?

Walk away
The thought would never cross my mind
I couldn't turn my back on Spring or Fall
Your smile least of all

When I say always
I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much as today
I am not afraid to say I love you
But I promise you
I'll never say goodbye

We're dancers
On a crowded floor
while other dancers leave from song to song
Our music goes on

On and on
And if I never leave your arms
I really would have traveled everywhere
For my world is there

When I say always
I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much today
I am not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you
I'll never say goodbye

I was already content and happy but God had other plans for me

Tomorrow will be my last day as a phone verifications officer for Citibank Australia and Monday will be my first day as a language trainer for e-Telecare.

The news came when I least expected it. I thought I would never receive the news anymore and that the application was another dream-job-opportunity flushed down the drain. I was already happy with Citibank. The people were great. The system and the toxic nature of the job were bearable. The company's definitely a no-nonsense one. The "Big C" as exec peeps from JP Morgan Chase have it. I could already see myself staying there for the longest period possible that I knew giving up UP Law was indeed worth it.

But God had other plans for me. Sure he made me wait, like, uh, two years with application after application turned down. But patience is indeed a virtue and if it's yours, it's bound to come down your path, one way or another.

To my family in Citibank, I apologize for the short notice. For the first time in my life, I am actually leaving a company that I really do like. I just hope that I'd be steadfast enough not to waste this opportunity I have been once again given.

Confessions on a dance floor

I know. My blog title is screaming "Can't you get any more cliche-ish?!" But what can I do? Three and a half years of repression of my desire to release all the pent-up stress and frustration were really more than enough to, somehow, in a way, not care if I was totally revealing a side of myself that even my most constant of friends didn't know was part of my personality: I luv to dance!!!

But of course, as exactly how Joy understood my thoughts, I've got some reservations too. The band at bar#1 irked me and my "I'm-not-so-desperate-to-let-you-take-me-home-after-this-session" dancing partner at bar#2 gave me the chills.

And then here's the really clear juice on Malate: The culture's so distinct per street, per area, that you could clearly distinguish the spots of the common, okay, "jologs" crowd, the "conio" crowd, the bohemian, and the, quoting PinoyExchange.com speak "alternative preferences" crowd, the last being where Joy and I got stuck into after deciding we've had enough of the first mentioned crowd at bar#1. No offense though to those who do not distinguish themselves as belonging to the last three categories, I just really can't seem to tolerate a "salbakuta-type" crowd with the bald hair and the oversized "in everything". Reminds me of my ex. Haha. But that's another story.

Going back to the last crowd type, the bar we went into is definitely not for the faint of heart when it comes to homophobia. In the dim lights of the dance floor, one could somehow clearly see how "hot papas" in pairs could outmaneuver a pure-blooded female species' moves. In the midst of all the gyrating, Joy and I were being so crushed that our partners took the opportunity, and the advantage, if I might add, to pull us closer to them for "safety". Then again, of course, I wouldn't let such moves and such scenario ruin my purpose of really just dancing the night and, if I might add, the morning, away. In the end, though Joy and I might be a little "bitin", at least I know where to go to the next time singing in the shower is a little too short of helping me detoxify and destress. :)

(Kudos to Raz for the really "sexy lady" dance moves and to the PEx-Couchers Seph, Kat, Alvin, Juju, Mimi, Vani, Andy, Jesse, Amy, and of course, Joy)

Adieu to UP Law (for now...)

I'm not totally closing my doors on law school just yet. It's just my shortterm goals of saving up and being able to see my career in the job I'm currently holding flourish are overtaking my dream (if it ever really is a dream) of pursuing law. Somehow I knew I enjoyed applying all the things I've learned or at least knowing that I was able to apply what I've learned if most especially for the reason that I knew I made it to one of the remaining revered legal institutions in the country that is the University of the Philippines College of Law.

Like I said, it's not over yet. It's also not to say that I never really made it through because I "quit". But for now, I know I have to really bid adieu...

Republished: Dear Jean

This is for you on your birthday. I know it's a little early but this is for me, too.

You said you want to fall in love again. You're so far the only one who said something that is my sentiment as well. Thus this letter for you.

I know how you feel. I mean, not that we're looking or we're in a hurry, this I know both of us would like to gracefully clarify. Not even are we so much immersed into the very idea of falling in love. There's no explaining it. We just want to as we're both ready once again to see past through rose-colored glasses.

A friend once told me we're still singles as the One up there is still busy writing the best love story for us. She, as well, told me, that that person for us may already be here, but is just lost. For whichever meaning or interpretation that is, those persons are still finding their way to us and us, to them.

Very romanticized view of what is otherwise, in reality, if we just admit to ourselves, a distracting and disturbing idea? Yes. It is.

Girl, you and I both know we are not damsels in distress. You know me and I know you. We've both seen what we could do. We don't need anyone taking care of our heart or feeding our ego, for that matter. But behind the beauty of physicality and materialism, of achievements and stature, you and I both know that at the end of the day, as human beings capable of feeling, we're bound to ask who would appreciate us for who we are enough to adore us, pine for us, care for us, love us.

Maybe we should just really be patient. Or maybe we should grit our teeth hard enough to endure the craft of the Master. He's not just writing our love story. I'd like to believe he's slowly and painstakingly perfecting his work, making it permanent, solid and beautiful through carving.

Yes, he is carving it into our very being, our very soul. Which is why it hurts. Which is why we still hold on.

My sweetest regards,

Precious

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(For reasons privy only to myself and to how I feel, I am posting this again...)

What's new in '07

01. I am now otherwise called "Paige" and so far I'm gettin' used to being called one by clients and colleagues alike.

02. The return of the comeback times two, one reincarnated, one back from the dead (sa akin na lang muna ito..haha...go figure Jesse)

03. I am officially burying blue as my fave color. Bronze and iridescent violent are truly now to die for. ;)

04. New hair. Hehe.

05. New friends. Yay!

06. Workplace I know I surely could see myself in over the coming years.

07. Migraine's here to stay? Nyarrr...hopefully not. I still would like to have my caffeine fix in Coffee Bean...

The 'heavy' on heavy weight

(This is, of course, not meant to be a medicine, psychology, or even a culture journal.)

I just finished reading and rereading an article in the "OK! Magazine" about curvaceous Hollywood celebrities fighting off the gaunt/skinny trend. I must have read it so voraciously I actually became already so numb to the insensitive comment of a former classmate-now-7-11-cashier I ran into.

Without so much as of a justification for my weight issue, just think of it this way, you're in the middle of having a bad day and just when you think you're already close to getting out of it and finishing it off with a late but refreshing lunch, by the frozen microwaveable food counter you hear your old friend greeting you in a rather loud voice (for all to hear) how much weight you've gained. So though your main reason for having a quick stop at a store is purely for survival reason, hindi ba nakakawala ng gana kumain?

And just how many instances have I come across what I call as injustice to large-size individuals (well, per basis on the size-zero obsession)? My favorite infamous scene was the time I was crossing a street to choose where I should board for my trip to Manila. I was still on the other side of the road when the barker with a  megaphone whose blaring voice could be heard two barangays away (I swear, his voice could be heard early in the morning at our subdivision which is two barangays away) called for my attention to encourage me to board the van for Cubao. "Mrs., mrs., sakay na po kayo sa van," was his cheerful call to which I remarked before boarding, quite obviously, the bus, not the van, "Ms. pa ako!"

I guess it really just boils down to one ish: people have to be extra careful at what they say. If they give such remarks or comments to extremely sensitive people even if they mean it in an innocent way may spell danger for them and for their targets. How many supermodels or wannabe-supermodels died of anorexia nervosa already due to their struggle to be "perfect" in the way society sees and accepts as "perfect"?

In my case, if one compares my "Rosas ng Santa Rosa" pic to how I look now, it's pretty much sincerely understandable for me why people would react the way my old classmate did. Sweet friends say I still look good and not alarming. But what most of these people do not know is the struggle I have to go through everyday in proving or at least explaining that I did not overeat. My case was the aftereffect of a medicine overdose a few years back that resulted to hormonal imbalance.

It just goes to show how people do not really want to be in a "heavy" situation whether or not they're guilty of overeating or they're simply genetically large on the tape measure. If prevention is better than cure, then careful respect is truly better than a wild and heavy assumption.

Moving on attempts that will never ever work

In a desperate attempt to kill time, I spent half a day spending what would surely seem like an amount that would make my dad kill me. At my last stop, while I was still conscious that half a month's toxic work pay could possibly evaporate in just half a day, I sifted through my wallet for spare coins and crumpled bills. What I found had me forming tears in my eyes.

A year ago, the Cardenas family had its annual family reunion. The first Sunday of January is usually the date reserved for the affair. As I can clearly recall, said month was the last month when mom could still walk.

At work yesterday, I had a fight with my dad over a recorded (as per freakin' policy of Citigroup) phone conversation as he angrily persuaded me to ditch the company's kick-off party to attend the two-day reunion. Today, the first day of the reunion, I finally won the fight in convincing my dad that I'd just join on the second day.

It certainly couldn't have been any more coincidental. The reunion, what I found in my wallet...

Mom's 2x2 picture that I placed in my new wallet had me recalling tough but happier times. She was struggling to stay alive. I was struggling in helping my dad make both ends meet. I had no time or chance to splurge on myself. But I was happy, more than happy that in the little things I did, I knew I was doing something that certainly helped.

Now after more than a year of depriving myself of a well-deserved spa and finally getting to treat myself because of money to spare, I still ended with tears in my eyes.

A few months after mom's death last year, a Hollywood celebrity who just gave birth lost on the same day her first born son who visited her. It was quoted in the magazine article where I read said news that "you never move on, you get through".

I guess the whole point just boils down to said idea. Whatever loss you encountered - break-ups, loss of loved ones due to death - this becomes a part of you that you could never take away or just erase or even forget. You don't move on. You get through. Which is why it's okay to cry every now and then. Which is why it's never a sign of weakness when you cry.
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Which is why up to now I still can't accept what my mom's ex said about me a month after my month's death about not being able to move on.