How much of me am I willing to reveal? How much do you want me to?

How scary IS this

With "is" stressed, this one IS defintely scary, more like, creepy.

For almost a decade now, I've been aware that I may truly have a "gift" of prophecy. I've learned to ignore the coincidences as I know I've wisely chosen to believe that we make or create our own destiny.

Then again, it truly IS hard to ignore horoscopes and astrological forecasts and interpretations especially if these conform to what and who you are and what happens to you.

A year ago, I got stuck in a terrible emotional turmoil and out of desperation, I sought the advice of an online astrologer named Sara Freder of sara-freder.com. As expected, and of course, to my dismay, her pieces of advice cost a lot. She gives free advice and forecast but only up to a certain extent so I chose not to pursue it anymore. To my amazement, even up to now, I still receive e-mails from her, e-mails that can't possibly be considered as spam mail as it is highly personalized.

Now if naivety is what this blog appears to be like, the coincidences I was talking about earlier are somewhat what her e-mails contain. Let me quote her latest letter to me:

Dear Maria,

 

From midnight
Monday, June 18, 2007 onwards,
you will know a tide of good fortune.

This river of luck will stay with you
over the next three months…

 

Yes, Maria, Monday, June 18, 2007 will be a very important date for you. At midnight exactly, a "magical" event will take place in your life…

The universe’s "cosmic" forces shall bring you three months of unprecedented good fortune.

For instance, in the coming weeks, Luck will enable very high potential earnings at betting games. Difficult relationship situations will find resolution! The projects you hold dear will at last become a reality, and many more beyond…

And all of this will start happening in the coming days…

In fact, it would be more accurate to say that the first manifestations of this period of intense luck have just started. However, the doors of communication with the forces of luck will be flung wide open at midnight on Monday, June 18, 2007. I know that this may seem hard to believe, but there is no doubt that Monday, June 18, 2007 is the date of the beginning of the coming together of all the things you hold dear.

I now need to tell you why you will know this period of unprecedented luck:

I am struck by one thing. You are among the people I consider sensitive to "invisible forces". Your unconscious is as if on the same "wavelength" as the energies around you!

It is my opinion that you, Maria, are a medium, and quite a powerful one, but that you are unaware of this. We will discuss this later as you will see how this relates to the "magical date".

I was also struck by another detail:

I am not quite sure how to put this, but I sense that you have an inner suffering. Your sensitive nature did not cope well with the pain that some people made you suffer.

You are a person with a pure heart and I know how difficult it must be for you to bear the incomprehension of others and their mocking attitude at your goodness.

Why am I saying all of this? Only because the time for change has arrived. You can turn the cards on your life: Monday, June 18, 2007 is the end of your worries and the realization of all of your hopes! How can I be so sure of this?

Earlier, I mentioned your intuition and sensitive nature as well as your latent gifts as a medium. These qualities predispose you to communication with beneficial forces and the forces of good fortune on the Monday, June 18, 2007. This night will be very special. I will explain this to you in detail so that you can have the certitude that a radiant future is opening its arms to you.

Monday, June 18, 2007 is a sacred date for you. This day will correspond to the day when the visible and material world is in harmony with the spiritual world. This will be the night when the spirits of Nature come into contact with those with a pure heart and who have prepared for their arrival. During this spiritual contact, spirits will flood the lives of these people with "magical" energy, thus enabling luck and good fortune if the people’s conduct is unselfishly motivated.

To determine who these people are, I consult the oracle’s tarot cards. This enables me to discern the future and predict the paths which lead to the success of the invisible forces with "magical " help of this special night.

I am sure of being right in saying that you have a pure heart. I know that your characteristic modesty, Maria prevents you from saying so, but I know that it is true. It is true just as is the feeling you have deep down to be able to "feel" "predict" the situations and people around you.

Yes, for you, Maria, Monday, June 18, 2007 will change your life forever. You will enter into a cycle of luck which will last three months. During these three months, you will be able to shape destiny and turn events around to suit your most ardent wishes. To do this, you need to prepare to receive the spiritual forces. This will be very easy for you Maria:

In several days, you will receive my personal communication. This will contain all the instructions you need to prepare for the magical date of Monday, June 18, 2007. You must be wondering of course what these special instructions that I will send you with your permission, are…

Notice that the last sentence is where the payment option comes in. But it really is of no matter to me as this e-mail struck me as true. It can be seen here that Sara mentioned that I'm a medium yet unaware of my powers. She also mentioned that there are some people who recently succeeded in hurting me despite my good intentions. And she further mentioned that I have an inner suffering.

To those who know me and what I'm going through, how scary/creepy IS this?!

Of women, shoes and jerks

Thanks Maan for this one. Reminds me of my most recent trip to the shoe store, not to mention, my concurrent headache. Haha. Go figure:

"When a woman buys a pair of shoes, she goes to eight shops to compare style, color, fit and price. In each shop, she'll probably try a dozen pairs  -  holding it, touching it, smelling it, wearing it, walking it  -  before she actually buys the shoes. She also usually brings a friend or friends, always conferring and asking for comments. BUT when it comes to love, a woman will love the first jerk that will make her blush." (BO SANCHEZ)

Precious' "Obiter Dictum": Now I'm beginning to wonder, was Bo Sanchez ever a jerk?

Of discrimination and ethics

1,975 OFWs ASK SUPREME COURT TO RENDER DECISION ON THEIR PETITION BEFORE RETIREMENT OF CHIEF JUSTICE PANGANIBAN

By MOMOY CARDENAS

The leaders of the 1,975 overseas Filipino workers (OFWs) and awardees in the decision promulgated on Dec.3, 2002 by the National Labor Relations Commission (NLRC) appealed yesterday to the Supreme Court, First Division, to render final decision in G.R. No. 168923, entitled Bienvenido M. Cadalin, et al., vs. Court of Appeals, et al, even as they reiterated that the defendant Kellog-Brown and Root had expressed willingness to pay immediately after a favorable Supreme Court decision.

In the last motion to admit additional submission on May 8, 2006, the petitioners stressed the conclusive admission of their American employer, the Kellog-Brown and Root thru their lawyers, the Godwin-Gruber law firm based in Dallas, Texas, U.S.A., that the said employer will certainly abide by the final decision of the Supreme Court of the Philippines regarding this matter, among other admissions in the various documents attached to said motion submitted to the Supreme Court.

We consider the affirmation by the Supreme Court of our previous NLRC December 3, 2002 victory as an early Christmas gift before the retirement on Dec. 7, 2006 of Chief Justice Artemio V. Panganiban. whom we acknowledge as a model public servant and a world champion of human and economic rights, honor and dignity of the Filipino people, said the 1,975 OFWs.

In their last letters in Pilipino entitled "Huling Liham and Panawagan" personally delivered to Chief Justice Artemio V. Panganiban on Nov. 28 and 29, 2006, respectively, more than 100 OFWs expressed their gratitude for the grant of due course resolution last June 07, 2006 issued by the Supreme Court.

The twin letters were signed by petitioners Claudio A. Modesto, Jr., Antonio C. Yabut, Arturo A. Poblete, the wives of Rodolfo C. Mana, Domingo O. Villahermosa, Pedro C. Constantino, Olegario B. Francisco, Numeriano San Mateo, Artemio Basmayor, Romulo Balbieran, Edgardo H. Romales and many others.

The long, tortuous journey for the past 22 years - from 1984 to 2006 - to secure justice and compensation for all the marginalized and poor 1,975 OFWs and similarly situated workers has now reached the final race. The OFWs, billed as the modern-day heroes or Bagong Bayani due to their supreme sacrifices to fight poverty in foreign lands for their families and the country to earn the precious foreign exchange remittances to lift Philippine economy, have found salvation through the twin beacons of Liberty and Prosperity, the last book authored by Chief Justice Artemio V. Panganiban.

Court records showed that the NLRC has awarded more than US$609 million in back wages, damages, discrimination pay, hazard pay, retirement pay, plus 12 percent interest payments, among other awarded money claims. The 2,123 OFWs were hired and employed by Brown & Root International, Inc. (now Kellog-Brown and Root) in their overseas projects in the Middle East, like Bahrain and United Arab Emirates from 1976 to the 1990s. Many of them worked also in Vietnam during the war between North and South Vietnam in the 1960s before their overseas employment in Bahrain and the U.A.E.

Kellog-Brown and Root is an associated company of the Halliburton Group of Companies based in Houston, Texas, USA, the multinational giant where Vice President Richard "Dick" Cheney was the chief executive officer (CEO) for five years. Public records showed that Cheney received at least US$30 million retirement pay and other stock options when he retired from Halliburton Group.

In their petition filed on August 3, 2006, which was given due course by the Supreme Court, the impleaded petitioners assailed the previous decision and resolution of the Court of Appeals which both reversed and set aside the NLRC Decision of December 03, 2002 granting the US$609 million plus awards to all the 1,975 OFWs and awardees.

The said NLRC decision became final and executory judgment when the private respondents/employers grossly failed to comply with the jurisdictional requirements for the perfection of appeal and the posting of supersedeas bond of the actual awards granted by the NLRC.

The modern-day heroes and petitioners argued in their many pleadings, thru their lawyer Gerardo del Mundo, that the Supreme Court shall be the ultimate protectors of all OFWs in dangerous countries of employment, particularly in war-torn country of Iraq, by the promulgation of precedents on hazard pay, equal pay, discrimination pay, moral and exemplary damages among other safety nets against terrorism and suicide bombings which killed tens of thousands in Iraq.

Kellog-Brown and Root employs, at present, 7,000 OFWs in various military camps in Iraq like Camp Victory, Camp Glory, Camp Dragon and Camp Cooke, the last being the employment site where more than 300 OFWs and 500 Sri Lankans, Indians and other nationalities, went on mass strike last May 2005 due to very poor living and working conditions.

#########################

And so goes my dad's article due for release tomorrow in the Manila Bulletin. But what this article doesn't state are the actions of Kellog, Brown and Root's Filipino lawyers representing them in the Philippines. For the 22 years that the aforementioned case have been lodged in Philippine courts for charges of discrimination and abuse, the actuations of the Romulo-Magbanta law firm in stopping Kellog, Brown and Root from finally releasing the cost for damages indeed need to be cast with a doubtful and suspicious eye.

For why would a law firm, or its representative lawyers for that matter, stop its client from its willingness to settle its criminal and civil obligations? Could it possibly be surmised that these lawyers are still acting within the ambit of the Code of Professional Responsibility that states that lawyers should defend the best interests of their clients? Or do we smell the end for the millions of dollars worth of retainer's fee these lawyers have been receiving for more than two decades from Kellog, Brown and Root?

Tsk. Tsk. To think that they, themselves, are Filipinos. I just wish that they would come clean with a convincing justification with regard to their questionable acts, as, after all, before I scream in utter disillusion over my legal ethics cases, I still would like to very much believe that these lawyers, in the discharge of their duties, could still be afforded the privilege of the benefit of the doubt.

The Optimism of Uncertainty

From Howard Zinn, "The Optimism of Uncertainty"

An optimist isn't necessarily a blithe, slightly sappy whistler in the dark of our time. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness... And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.

Yes Rhea, it's hard...

Mahirap Pilitin Ang Sarili

--- "Sometimes, it's good for me to be silent...to not text you or even say hi or hello...coz it gives me time to listen to my heart...to myself...asking, 'Are you worth it?'"

Break Ups - He Says, She Says (From Tina)

Cheers to Rule #3!

I am spring

And you are winter

Struggling to go back to your summer

You are in my head, just in my head

Either burrowing your way into my heart

Or slipping away.

'Quitting You' (republished) by Astra

Couldn't be more appropriate, especially now.

______________________

I emphatized totally with Jack Twist when he told Ennis del Mar, "I wish I knew how to quit you." (from Brokeback Mountain).

I don't think a lot of people can or will understand how difficult it is to quit someone. It's not like quitting softdrinks, or junk food (although God knows how difficult that was for me). Quitting someone is like tearing out your intestines and convincing yourself that you'd be perfectly fine without it.

I thought I've done enough quitting in my life. Apparently not. How many times am I supposed to do this?

This is probably the hardest quitting I'm ever going to have to do.  I feel like someone just told me to quit eating merienda - you know - you can probably live without it, and it's oftentimes unnecessary, but it makes you so happy even just the thought of stopping hurts.

He was a mistake from the very start. I knew that. People never stopped reminding me of that. I'd like to think that I never chose to love him - after all, if love were a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain? - but deep down inside I know, I know better. I made my choice, and surprise - I fucked up AGAIN.

How can I choose to fall in love with the one person who can never love me back, even if he tried to?

Maybe I'm not as smart as people seem to think I am.

I wish I never knew him. Never started to care. Never run across his brilliance and intensity. Maybe I would be able to appreciate other people. Now it just seems like nobody ever measures up to him. Feels like no one ever will.

I want to blame him - shout at him, hit him for making me feel like I'll never be good enough, like I'm begging for his time and attention, like there's something wrong with me. But he never asked for this. So who do I blame?

Guess I wouldn't be eating merienda for a long time.

______________________

you are in my head...either burrowing your way into my heart or slipping away...

Fools in love

by my twin (voice) sistah, Joanie.

Amen.

Alikabok the Musical

Though the last storm "Milenyo" severely crippled my almost daily blogging activity (hehe), it nevertheless gave me the opportunity to kill boredom by listening to the rare collection of tapes I've collected during my pre-mp3 and pre-CD years.

One of the tapes I'm most proud about is the celebrated soundtrack of a Filipino musical specifically produced by Ryan Cayabyab, Girlie Rodis and Celeste Legapi, Philippine theater and music giants, in time for the 1996 to 1998 Philippine independence series of centennial celebrations.

"Alikabok" (1995) originally had Filipina pop singer Rachel Alejandro playing the lead role of Visitacion "Bising" Vallejo, along with others in the lead such as Raul Roxas for the character of Bising's lover Ignacio, Imelda delos Reyes for the Fil-Am balikbayan Anna, Joel Trinidad, son of comedian Noel Trinidad, for Greg, Anna's husband and descendant of Bising, and China Cojuangco, younger sister of equestrienne Mikee Cojuangco, as the cousin of Bising.

The musical revolves around the diary of Bising, a late 1800s colegiala who goes back from Manila to her hometown in San Rafael, Bulacan and subsequently falls for her childhood friend Ignacio, an ilustrado who's also a Katipunero. As to be expected, Bising, coming from a well-off family, is prevented from pursuing the said affair and is instead bethrothed by her father to a neutral ilustrado, Salvador.

Fast-forward to a hundred years later, Bising's descendant, balikbayan Greg Vallejo, arrives with his wife, Anna, for their honeymoon in the Philippines. The trip had an accompanying purpose and that is to find his "pamana", an ancestral home somewhere in, yep, to be guessed correctly, San Rafael, Bulacan. Upon finding said ancestral home in dilapidated condition, the couple is tempted to sell it cheap to a real estate agent. In the midst of confusion, Anna finds Bising's old diary in a dusty area in the house and learns of its historic past that subsequently becomes the reason why the couple eventually decides to keep it.

The musical's promotion was handled by GMA 7 and it was on the said channel where I saw its "the making" episode.

Below are the lyrics to the songs that I still can't scratch off my head even after all these years that I know I could almost swear I'm singing these even when I sleep. :)

Alikabok

Alikabok, alikabok

Mamumuti ang 'yong buhok

Sa aaalikabok

Ang alikabok ay dapat pantayin

Pakintabin siyang parang salamin

Sa labas, loob, tuktok o ilalim

Wala siyang maitagong lihim.

Paano maiiwasan, na hindi malaman

Sikreto at lihim

Misteryo at lagim

Misteryo at lagim

Misteryo at lagim

Sisihin ninyo ang alikabok

Alikabok

Natuklasan ko ang liham sa alikabok

Alikabok, alikabok

Natuklasan ko ang lihim sa alikabok.

May Isang Pag-ibig

May isang pag-ibig hanap-hanap ko

Sa mapagbirong tadhana ng buhay ko

Nais kong makita't makilala na

Mayakap, makalinga sa panandaling ito

May isang pag-ibig alay-alay ko

Sa mapagtuksong tadhana ng buhay ko

Nais kong matiyak at malaman na

Sundan at harapin sa sandaling ito

May isang pag-ibig

Dinig ko ang kanyang tinig

May isang umiibig

Ngunit puso'y naliligalig

May pusong pumipintig

Ngunit 'di magtatagal

May ibang naririnig

Higit kong minamahal

Sa mapagbirong tadhana

Sa mapagtuksong tadhana

Ngayo'y kaharap ko na

Sa sandaling ito

Sa panandaling ito

Ng buhay ko.

Best text messages from my best of friends PART 2

These guys nailed it all right. Haha. Love ya my Globe Unlimitext textmates. You keep me sane on my days of total insanity. Mwah.

__________

"Always remember that a if a person loved you once, even after a hundred years, there will still be some of that love left... no matter how much that person denies it."  -  RODNEY (Oh sure. Haha. How about my case? Oh, okay, I don't want to eat my own words. I'm just in a debating mode.)

"People ask me why I wanna be with you. I told them that even though you have two tiny horns in your head and that irritating tail at your butt, you still manage to make me feel like I'm with an angel."  -  VALINE (Best! You're the best!!!! At least you're not anymore in Hangingville. You know I'm always here for you.)

"A little boy was asked what forgiveness is... He gave a beautiful answer... 'It is the fragrance that flowers give when they are crushed.'"  -  JOY (My dear PEx-NSG cow manager! I'm gonna see ya tomorrow night!)

"Love and Relationship 101: There's always a possibility that a person can get attracted to another... It's human nature. It's not wrong. But that's why you're in a commitment, you discipline yourself. One may get attracted to numerous prospects and it's okay, as long as you don't nurse the feeling and won't do something about it. The borderline between cheating and faithfulness  -  recognize the reality that you already have the person that can give you more than what you get from the cheap thrills of attraction."  -  JMI (Girl, do tell me, how come UP doesn't teach this as part of its general educ subjects?!)

"You don't have to rush into falling in love for love never runs out! Even if they laugh at you coz you're single, just tell them, 'God is just busy writing the best love story for me.'"  -  MAAN (Maan, my would-be shopping buddy! You totally changed the way I looked at singlehood although how I certainly do wish the One up there wouldn't take too long in writing my love story that He'd finally give up. Hehehe.)

"Time is very slow for those who wait, very fast for those who are scared, very long for those who lament, very short for those who celebrate. But, for those who love, time is eternity."  -  WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE c/o JEAN/GIA (Have nothing else to say. Hehe.)

"Look for a guy who would accept you beyond what eyes can see, love you for who you are and what you can become; a guy who'd cherish you more than his peers; who will not treat you as a girl, but his life!"  -  MAAN (Awww... Don't logic and all rational thinking defy this and categorize this as selfishness? Hehehe. Lines like this tell me not to give up; that okay, fine, I'm still young. Haha.)

"Cinderella walked on broken glass. Sleeping Beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle fell in love with a hideous beast. Pocahontas risked her life for a feast. Jasmine could have had anyone but instead chose a poor man. And Ariel walked for the first time on land  -  all for love and all for life. It was all about blood, sweat and tears. Love is all about facing your biggest fears and not letting the moment pass you by."  -  MAAN (So, it's all about Freudian psychology, eh? Was Freud a fan of these stories or were the authors fans of Freud? Is this what Disney storytellers indirectly want to insert into the subconscious of kids which is why I grew up like this?! Eeep.. I so don't wanna know.)

"Interview with GOD. Man: 'What surprises you most about humankind?' God: That they get bored with childhood. They rush to grow up and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die and die as though they never have lived."  -  VAN (Contradictions. Extremes. The irony! Where do we go from here? I'm not good in doing balancing acts.)

And for the finale...Hehe:

"Eleven people were hanging on a rope from a helicopter  -  10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough for all 11. One had to let go. They couldn't decide who. The woman gave a speech. She said she would voluntarily let go of the rope, coz as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. All the men clapped their hands."  - JOY (This really, really cracked me up! Wahehehe)

Swooning for Superman

It's official. I'm swooning for the new Superman.

"Yeah, and so are the rest of the girls in the world," said a guy friend.

It just seems like yesterday when I last heard myself smugly saying that Superman is just no more than a representation of the ego of the general population of men which was why I swore not to watch Superman.

Until yesterday. And so it's official. I'm swooning for the new Superman. Okay, at least for Brandon Routh.

Best text messages from my best of friends PART 1

From Maan: sad but a graceful way of accepting denial and rejection

Excerpts from "A Warm Cup":

I nod. Lookin' at the way you hesitate to take my hand, resting so near yours, I know you're already gone. I will make it easy for the both of us. I tell myself: I will forget the feel of your hands on my skin. I will smile and tell you that I'm happy for you because that's what you want to hear, and that's what I want to believe. I will not hope you will be back soon nor say that I wish I were goin' with you. Instead, I will keep in mind that there is nothing between usanymore. It's just that the coffee is too warm and I'm so cold...

From Maan: very uplifting for a woman's pride

"No man will ever claim you unless he claims you from Me. For I reserved a man for you who has my heart and loves me even more than he will love you. For I won't give you unless he asks you from me. He's asleep, don't wake him, he's busy for me, my kingdom. Soon you will know him, but I have the perfect time. You are my princess, my daughter. Let no prince claim you unless he asks you from My hand for I am your Father, the KING of kings. You, my princess, are worth waiting for and I love you."

From Dad

Luv u anak

From Maan: "wahehe" for lawyers and lawyers-to-be

An engineer died. He led a good life, but for some reason he found himself at the gates of HELL. He didn't complain, rather helped out making all sorts of improvements. Soon, word of all these reached HEAVEN. God was upset and told St. Peter to try to get back the engineer. To no avail, God himself called up Satan and told him he wanted the engineer back. "No, you sent him down here. We're keepin' him." God: "You get the engineer up here now, that's a direct order. If you don't, I'll sue you...." Satan laughed: "Where are you goin' to get a LAWYER? They're all here!"

From Joni: the "X"

Ano ba ang x? Yun bang pinaiyak ka na, pinatawad mo pa?

Binabalewala ka na, hinahanap mo pa?

Nagmahal na ng iba, minahal mo pa?

O yun yung lintik na variable na hinahanap lagi sa ALGEBRA?!

If A Girl Cries In Front Of You

Oh Kat, I swear I'm gonna kill you for posting this:

_________________

If a girl cries in front of u,
it means that she can't take it anymore.
If u take her hand,
she would stay with u for the rest of ur life;
If u let her go, it wil be hard for her to go
back to being herself with you once again.
A girl wont cry easily, except in front of
the person whom she loves the most, she
becomes weak.
A girl wont cry easily, only when she
loves u the most, she put down her ego.
Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of u, please hold
her hands firmly, coz she's the one who is
willing to stay with u 4 for the rest of ur
life.
Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of u, please dont
give her up, maybe bcoz of ur decision,
u'L ruin her life.
When she cries right in front of u,
When she cries bcoz of u, Look into her
eyes, Can u see n feel the pain n hurt
she's feeling?
Think. Which other girl has cried with pure
sincerity, In front of u, And bcoz of u?
She cries not because she is weak,
She cries not bcoz she wants sympathy or
pity, She cries, Because crying silently is
no longer possible, the pain, hurt n
agony have become too big a burden to be
kept inside.
Guys, Think about it,
If a girl cries her heart out to u,
And all because of u,
Its time to look back on what u have done,
Only u will know the answer to it.
Do consider it,
Coz one day,
It may b too late for regrets,
It may b too late to say "im sorry".

Bravo Dear Astra, Bravo!

Quitting You

I emphatized totally with Jack Twist when he told Ennis del Mar, "I wish I knew how to quit you." (from Brokeback Mountain).

I don't think a lot of people can or will understand how difficult it is to quit someone. It's not like quitting softdrinks, or junk food (although God knows how difficult that was for me). Quitting someone is like tearing out your intestines and convincing yourself that you'd be perfectly fine without it.

I thought I've done enough quitting in my life. Apparently not. How many times am I supposed to do this?

This is probably the hardest quitting I'm ever going to have to do.  I feel like someone just told me to quit eating merienda - you know - you can probably live without it, and it's oftentimes unnecessary, but it makes you so happy even just the thought of stopping hurts.

He was a mistake from the very start. I knew that. People never stopped reminding me of that. I'd like to think that I never chose to love him - after all, if love were a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain? - but deep down inside I know, I know better. I made my choice, and surprise - I fucked up AGAIN.

How can I choose to fall in love with the one person who can never love me back, even if he tried to?

Maybe I'm not as smart as people seem to think I am.

I wish I never knew him. Never started to care. Never run across his brilliance and intensity. Maybe I would be able to appreciate other people. Now it just seems like nobody ever measures up to him. Feels like no one ever will.

I want to blame him - shout at him, hit him for making me feel like I'll never be good enough, like I'm begging for his time and attention, like there's something wrong with me. But he never asked for this. So who do I blame?

Guess I wouldn't be eating merienda for a long time.

___________________

I "stole" the exquisite article above from the blog of law blockie Astra. I got to hand it over to you, girl. Nobody could have expressed it better. *hug*

I emphatized totally with Jack Twist when he told Ennis del Mar, "I wish I knew how to quit you." (from Brokeback Mountain).

I don't think a lot of people can or will understand how difficult it is to quit someone. It's not like quitting softdrinks, or junk food (although God knows how difficult that was for me). Quitting someone is like tearing out your intestines and convincing yourself that you'd be perfectly fine without it.

I thought I've done enough quitting in my life. Apparently not. How many times am I supposed to do this?

This is probably the hardest quitting I'm ever going to have to do.  I feel like someone just told me to quit eating merienda - you know - you can probably live without it, and it's oftentimes unnecessary, but it makes you so happy even just the thought of stopping hurts.

He was a mistake from the very start. I knew that. People never stopped reminding me of that. I'd like to think that I never chose to love him - after all, if love were a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain? - but deep down inside I know, I know better. I made my choice, and surprise - I fucked up AGAIN.

How can I choose to fall in love with the one person who can never love me back, even if he tried to?

Maybe I'm not as smart as people seem to think I am.

I wish I never knew him. Never started to care. Never run across his brilliance and intensity. Maybe I would be able to appreciate other people. Now it just seems like nobody ever measures up to him. Feels like no one ever will.

I want to blame him - shout at him, hit him for making me feel like I'll never be good enough, like I'm begging for his time and attention, like there's something wrong with me. But he never asked for this. So who do I blame?

Guess I wouldn't be eating merienda for a long time.

___________________

I "stole" the exquisite article above from the blog of law blockie Astra. I got to hand it over to you, girl. Nobody could have expressed it better. *hug*

Knowing My Worth

One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own
heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Painting The World In A Brighter Perspective

This appeared in, I think, either a late 2002 or early 2003 issue of either The Philippine Star or Manila Bulletin. Sowee, I can't even keep track of my own clippings. Hehehe. You could also find this in Peyups.com

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Quite typically for me and for the many others, one could be called “art” if it is, first and foremost, aesthetically enjoyable. Playing second fiddle is its capacity to be unique: based from how, who, when and where it is produced and on what circumstance.

According to the aforementioned chapter, what I experience is usually the case. Even more confusing is the supposedly root of everything’s classification: how we consider or identify something as “culture”. And yes, I do agree when the chapter mentioned something about how we usually agree or neglect an everyday chore as something infinitely “culture”. This conflict brings to my mind what I learned in my history and journalism classes. Culture is defined as the “way of life”. But in journalism, so is the word literature. The chapter, as I see it, isolates literature from art when the latter must be a characteristic of something to be called “culture”.

The enigmatic but docile attitude of the society we belong to, again as mentioned in the chapter, follows a recognizable but sometimes unfriendly “canon” from which we distinguish something as art. It is only now that I realize that I quite oftenly dismiss this seemingly underrated idea. I look at paintings, sculptures and anything which people call “art”, sometimes read the historical value, and then move on without even noticing the cultural discrimation that its innocence entails.

I recall an exhibit about women in CCP. It featured a huge variation of what society often sees - but neglects - as naturally a woman’s.

And then there are these two “works of art”. The first one featured a woman’s exposed belly, complete with intestines and an unborn baby. For a narrow-minded person, of which I can proudly say I’m not, this scene is disgusting and revolting. He might even say, “Why on earth would someone want to feature the bloody inside when one can take pride at the beautiful outside?”

The second display was enclosed in walls and can only be viewed by climbing a ladder. Curiosly enough, it displayed what I usually detest - that of a cluttered room. That was not art! That was clutter! Ironically though, it brings to memory my room. And I hate being reminded of that, that’s why! But coming to my defense, I recall a movie wherein one speaks of “artist’s clutter”. But I’d rather not dwell on what sometimes we call as “comfort justifications” for suddenly, I can hear my mom’s scream ringing in my ears.

Coming again to the indomitable but often underrated conflict and confusion that comes with art and culture, the humanities more specifically, as far as what I can possibly understand, it is but true that it is the society which sets up the norm to which we classify art. Forcibly, the society avoids the ugly past and the discrimination that pushes it away. To state my case, I would certainly not identify something or someone as “beautiful” if it reminds me of something undeniably bitter. If I see my father’s belt and then simultaneously recall the numerous times my mom sacrificingly stood in the way so I would not be hit, would I stand proudly and say that this is culture because it is normal to think of hitting a kid only to hurt the mother? Now tell me, even if this action was just provoked by my mistakes in the past, would we certainly call it art because of its specific value?

This is my own cramped vision of art. However isolated it is, as what others say, from the finite and confined walls of a society’s tenet and a culture’s problematic area of description, it still is like an open box of free ideas wherein equality and happiness is possible and of which sculpts, dramatizes and paints the world in a brighter perspective.



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The author wrote this for her Hum 2 paper. She would just like to share it with you especially to the art lovers.

From 'Chasing Amy'

Saw these lines again while I was cleaning my old e-mail. Cute "torpe" lines.

I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it. I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship -no pun intended- but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn't allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that. But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitiation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not dismiss that -at least for ten seconds- and try to dwell in it. Alyssa, there is'nt another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me. you can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which -while I do appreciate it- I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of. - HOLDEN

The One: That Got Away

Funny how I've recently been thinking about the term the "one who got away". Well, quite literally in its truest sense and not figuratively. Maybe it was because roomie Grace spoiled the fun and told me the story of the film "If Only" which I've been wanting to see for so long. I was only barred by the fact that it has a sad ending (or so its plot tells) quite obviously by using the term "the one that got away" on Jennifer Love Hewitt for their ads. And then while "illegally" checking my mail from somewhere, I chanced upon law blockie Astra's "spam/forwarded" (hehehe...peace!) mail about the said term. The article in the mail was cute. Something that you bet could only happen in films. But it's cute and if I may add, "nice" just the same. And so without further ado, here's Mark J. Macapagal's really "nice and cute" essay that was published in "The Manila Times".

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In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with who everything was! great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint ! of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You'll thin! k about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to you! r lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

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P.S. Sorry, just couldn't help but post it in my blog. It's really "cute and nice". Teehee =p